Christmas at the Winner's
by Dimes Wish
Summary: With twenty-nine sisters, respective spouses, multiplying children, and 'well-behaved' pets, you have to wonder how Heero thought Christmas at the Winner Manor would be quiet. Poor poor man...at least he keeps Duo amused. A series of one-shots. 1x2, 3x4
1. Kickoff

**Christmas at the Winners**

**Warnings**: Probably some OOCness, language, stereotype abuse, sexual innuendos...oh yeah, and this is unbetaed.

**Summary**: With twenty-nine sisters, respective spouses, multiplying children, and 'well-behaved' pets, you have to wonder how Heero thought Christmas at the Winner Manor would be quiet. Poor poor man...at least he keeps Duo amused. A series of one shots. 1+2, 3+4

Written just because I've always wanted to write a holiday fic.

* * *

Perhaps Duo should have clued in, to just how the week was going to go, when Trowa didn't so much answer the door as rip it off its hinges, and do everything but fall into his arms.

And if Duo was too taken aback-- forgivable in the circumstances as he comforted his unusually distressed comrade, to recognize the signs of trouble-- surely Heero Yuy, the man trained to recognize the scent of danger no less then two days in advance, would have noticed.

But...he didn't. If he had, they would have had Christmas dinner with Relena—something Duo had compared to gnawing off his own testicles.

Heero was too busy staring (more like gaping) at the red-faced, breathless, and more then slightly frantic Trowa Barton--- then staring down at the toddler that had, at some point, materialized in his arms.

Duo looked down at the poor man, wondering whether it was appropriate to ask just what the hell was going on, and wisely decided if he had to debate whether it was appropriate, that it probably wasn't. He'd learned a lot about appropriate behavior from living with Heero. Inappropriate behavior too, but that's another story.

Trowa looked up, and whispered, "Thank god you're here."

The toddler gave a lurch, and promptly spat up on Heero's shirt.

Somewhere in the house, there came an ominous rumbling, followed by a small explosion.

And so started the first Annual Winner Christmas party.

* * *

TBC...


	2. What?

I'm updating earlier then normal just because this part is done, and I feel guilty over how short the last chapter was.

**Warnings**: Language (but not really), child abuse (but not really), simile abuse (really), probably some OOCness...really, this fic is just meant to have fun.

Also, this is unbetaed, as my beta reader has decided that University finals are way more important then the contents of my fic...I know,_ the nerve!_

* * *

One would think that now, NOW, would be the time that the Perfect soldier would clue in to the mortal peril awaiting him in the Winner Manor.

But...he didn't.

He was too busy looking at the volume baby vomit on his shirt and comparing it to the size of the toddler that it had come from—and it didn't compute.

Duo was also a little preoccupied, but it wasn't over anything so trivial as baby vomit. He was too busy noticing that a _baby _had appeared. And it had somehow slipped past his Street Rat sixth sense of sight and landed in Heero's arms—and none of that computed either.

(You'll be assured to know that Duo later remembered that 'sight' was actually one of the five normal senses.)

In fact, it was Trowa who was the first to regain his composure, or at least some vague semblance of it, and he raced off to investigate the source of the explosion. Heero came in a close second, something that had never happened before, slowly approaching the doorway as though he was expecting an army of OZ soldiers waiting for them inside. Considering the happenings of the last five minutes, nothing would surprise him. Duo found himself at a loss for words, (also something that had never happened before--without physically being gagged at least), and found it rather disturbed him.

He consoled himself by watching Heero. Heero didn't know this, but he had unwittingly provided Duo with a lot of amusement over the past several years due to the fact that he could be so astoundingly dense when it came to handling day-to-day problems. More then one innocent espresso machine had been beaten beyond recognition during their relationship, and Duo would never be able to look at the vacuum cleaner in the same light again. Arguably, the current situation had already escalated beyond normal day-to-day occurrences, but nevertheless Heero didn't fail to amuse. Heero, with one hand firmly clenched around the waistband of the toddler's diaper, was wielding the toddler as though he was a riot shield.

And in the process, giving the toddler what had to be the mother of all wedgies.

And that made Duo giggle.

The rumbling that had preceded the explosion resumed. In fact, it grew louder, and from the doorway leading to the west wing, poured out a seemingly endless herd of giggling, screaming children, followed by Quatre who was in hot pursuit. Quatre was also screaming, but for quite a different reason, and it involved words that Duo had never been allowed to say in front of children before. In fact, (and Duo was quite willing to bet the integrity of his braid on this) he was sure Quatre wasn't supposed to be saying them either.

And that made Duo giggle even harder.

Quatre spotted them, and paused long enough to gasp, "the explosion....east...or west wing...?"

Duo again opened his mouth to say something witty, then came to the same conclusion as before with Trowa. He settled for pointing to the west side. His mouth remained open.

Quatre's eyes widened, a squeak was expelled, and time seemed to stop as his eyes first went east (following the children) then west (explosion), then east again. His mind was made up, however, as a second, and third explosion echoed throughout the hallway.

"Good to see you made it okay!" Quatre called back over his shoulder, which could have been mistaken for politeness if it hadn't been for the slightly maniacal smile on his face.

What _really _disturbed Heero, more then his uncharacteristically flustered friends, herd of children, or unexplained explosions, was when Duo stopped giggling quietly (which Heero had mistaken for shivering anyway) and began to laugh. Hysterically.

"What the hell are you laughing at?" Heero growled, disentangling the toddler's fingers from his hair and pulling the lock out his mouth. A string of baby drool dripped off it and ran down the tip of his nose.

Duo tried to stop laughing long enough to answer, couldn't, and clutched himself around his middle. The most he could manage was shakily pointing a finger at Heero, which Heero didn't find overly helpful considering the circumstances.

Now it could have been the sudden change in Heero's voice, or it could have been due to the fact that his diaper was working its way up around his ears, either way, the toddler looked up at Heero with his big blue eyes. And blinked. The bottom lip stuck out, quivered threateningly for several tense seconds, and he erupted into tears.

"What did Lucas ever do to you,Yuy?" Wufei came down the staircase, smirking at them. Nearing them, however, he froze, and squinted at the screaming child in Heero's arms.

"What?" Heero also squinted at the toddler. Well, it was more of a wince actually.

Duo was trying to support himself on the coat rack, with little success. Tears were beginning to show in his eyes. His laughter was drowned out by Lucas' crying however. Which, Heero remembered thinking later, said a lot for the volume the youngster was able to accomplish with such an immature set of lungs.

Wufei's eyes widened, with an expression of pure horror that put Quatre's to shame.

"What?" said Heero again, in slightly more urgent tone.

"That's not Lucas," Wufei groaned, dashing back towards the staircase, hurtling himself up them as if his life depended on it. Which—Heero realized a lot of things in hindsight-- it probably did.

"And?" was all he could say at the time.

"And it means I don't know where Lucas is!" Wufei all but shrieked over his shoulder, as he disappeared down the hallway.

Heero looked down at the toddler, who was imitating a helicopter propeller as he rotated in midair. The toddler, pausing to take a breath, looked back. He hiccuped once, twice...and for one brief, naive moment Heero thought everything was going to be okay.

...and then his wailing reached octaves Heero didn't know existed.

Heero stared at what he'd dubbed _It_ for several confused seconds, then tucked him under one arm. For good measure, he patted It on the head.

It didn't seem to turn It off.

There was a tap on his shoulder.

"What?" Heero sighed, feeling that as though that word had been used too much for in the current conversation its own good.

Duo managed to contain the new wave of laughter threatening to erupt long enough to lean in and say, "you _are_ human!"

"What?" Heero gave Duo a confused look. His free hand drifted up to the toddler's mouth, then had second thoughts. There were probably several people currently occupying the Winner mansion that would object to him gagging a two year old. Third thoughts revealed he'd finally found a form of torture to which he wasn't entirely immune to.

"You're rocking!" Duo choked, and mimed swaying and bouncing a baby back and forth with his arms.

Heero thought about denying the clearly unfair allegation, until to his dismay, he noticed Duo was right. He was about to reply, when another door opened.

"What took you so long?" A woman glared down at them. Heero was going to glare back, but the toddler had stopped in mid-scream, and had latched on with an iron grip around Heero's head. Heero tried to pry the toddler's fingers from off his ears, but, having never dealt with a stubborn toddler before (or any toddler for that matter) had no idea how strong they could hold on to something when they really wanted to.

"Now is not the time for playing with the children!" the female voice snapped. "Go run along and make yourselves useful. I believe Quatre was planning on getting you two to decorate the Christmas tree. Go now." Yes, she even shooed them with her hands. Heero didn't see this, what with It wrapped around his head like over-excited scarf.

Duo did, and he promptly stuck his tongue out at the closing door. "Whew, I'm glad not all Quatre's sisters are like that! Go run along...God are we like, the hired help or something?" He rolled his eyes at Heero.

As soon as the woman had disappeared, the toddler released his hold on Heero's ears. Heero, never one to miss such an opportunity, quickly set the toddler on the ground. The toddler, never one to miss such an opportunity, promptly sat on Heero's foot and latched on to his leg.

"_That_ was one of Quatre's sisters? Why did we agree to come here?"

Duo snickered at Heero's dumbfounded look, which was starting to become a permanent fixture on his face. "Well Christ Heero, what were you expecting?"

"What do you mean?"

"I said it was Quatre's family Christmas. What did you think it was going to be like in a house of twenty-nine women? Odds are, at any given time a quarter of those are PMSing...scary shit, but it could be worse!"

Heero, seeing his prospects of surviving to the end of the week growing bleaker and bleaker with every word, choked upon hearing that last statement. "Could be worse? How the hell do you figure that?"

Duo smirked. "Be thankful it's PMS and not menopause...Quatre's got enough weaponry in the basement to outfit an entire battalion."

Heero paled, but before he could reply Quatre came sprinting back through the doorway leading from the west wing. "Quatre!"

Quatre skidded to a halt, staring at them incredulously. There was a wild look in his eyes that made Heero instantly regret bringing any attention to himself. "What are you still doing standing here! Do you guys not realize how much there is to do?" He bore an uncanny resemblance to his older sister.

"Who is this, and where does It go?" Heero gestured to the toddler, who'd fallen asleep on his shoe. His grip on Heero's leg hadn't let off.

Quatre paused long enough to squint. "I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't--" Heero snapped his mouth shut. The ingrained urge to duck and cover had never hit him like this before. Duo remained slightly more composed, having been on the receiving end of 'That Look' from Heero enough times to have gained slight immunity to its fear-inducing effects.

"Heero!" Quatre's voice reached hysteria levels "I have _sixty-one_ nieces and nephews! I DON'T KNOW!"

* * *

I hope you enjoyed. Next chapter I believe I'll have Heero and Duo decorating the Christmas tree...that should be fun. ^_^

Review?


	3. Why Heero Shouldn't Be On Top

**Warnings: **hmm, this chapter's quite tame compared to some later ones I have planned...besides the sad misuse of the English language (both intentional and non), the OOC moments, and the fact that this has most definitely not been beta read, there are no warnings.

* * *

Heero looked up.

Duo looked up.

Heero looked up higher.

Duo looked up higher.

Duo whistled appreciatively.

Heero suppressed the urge to hit him.

And somewhere, forty feet above them, was the top of the Christmas tree that they had to decorate.

"When Quatre asked us to decorate the tree, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind." Heero glared at the tree as though it had personally offended him. Given Heero's current fragile state of mind, Duo wasn't even remotely surprised. (Being in enemy territory, outnumbered, out armed, with unexplained explosions detonating at frighteningly consistent intervals, tended to made one slightly tense, especially from a former soldier's point of view)

Duo shrugged, one corner of his mouth quivering. Appropriate or not, he'd held his tongue enough for one day. "In all fairness, this is a tree, and we do have to decorate it. It ain't Quatre's fault if you expected something different."

Heero was too busy glaring at the mound of boxes containing Christmas decorations to even glare at him, which was odd as Heero was quite capable of multitasking his glares. Duo sighed, and went to lock the door. The last thing they needed was for the younger members of Quatre's extended family coming to 'help'...or _any_ member for that matter. Given how much trouble it had been to simply walk through Quatre's front door, then find and pry off Heero's 'It' to his rightful owner, decorating the tree was classified as a slightly more precarious situation. Perhaps that was the reason Quatre had pawned off this job on them-- not for their skills by any means, because Duo doubted Heero'd ever seen a Christmas tree before let alone decorated one-- but because they hadn't been in the house long enough for too many people to know they were there-- and what people didn't know about, they couldn't destroy.

"Do you want top or bottom?" Heero asked absently, digging through the box of Christmas lights.

"P-p-pardon?" Duo spluttered, nearly dropping his own box of ornaments.

"Do you want to be on top or bottom?" Heero repeated slowly. You could say it was in a tone he'd use to speak to small children with, but Heero had already demonstrated he hadn't developed any skills to deal with anyone under four feet tall and drooling tendencies.

"Top. Definitely top," Duo began to laugh.

Heero, remaining blissfully oblivious to the context his lover was taking his question, scowled. "If you're not going to take this seriously, I'll be on top," he snapped, grabbing the ladder that was leaning against the wall.

"Love," Duo chuckled, "this conversation is starting to sound awfully familiar."

--GW--GW--GW--

It took them an hour to decorate the huge tree. Heero went to put the ladder outside, and Duo began packing away the unused decorations. It wasn't long, however, before Duo spotted something that disturbed him. Greatly. Given that he was usually the source of all things disturbing, and therefore had proverbial nerves of steel, explained a lot about the current predicament he found himself in. He looked down at his unfortunate discovery, then warily stared up at the massive tree, taking a tentative step backwards.

So far so good.

He took another careful step and looked up even further.

"Eep!" he squeaked. But that was all. His mind was too busy trying to remember all the physics calculations that it'd promptly forgotten at the earliest convenient opportunity after the war. That, and some part of him knew that if he so much as inhaled, blinked or even thought at the wrong moment, disastrous consequences would ensue.

Which of course, is why that was the precise moment Heero decided to reenter the room. Slamming the door behind him.

"Heero! Freeze!" Duo breathed, waving one hand behind him frantically to get Heero's attention. Somewhere far above, came an ominous rustling.

"What is it?"

Duo wanted to flinch, but didn't dare. Heero's voice was too loud...too loud...vibrations...oh good, merciful God... _Hail Mary, full of grace..._

Duo's eyes redirected back towards the ceiling as he continued mentally reciting his prayer. Surely it wasn't too later to become a believer. "Have you ever decorated a Christmas tree before, Heero?"

"No." Heero's eyes followed Duo's gaze, and looked unimpressed.

"Uh-huh..."Duo nodded nervously, "So that probably why you didn't know that you're supposed to hang the decorations on hooks before you put them in the tree."

"What hooks?"

"These hooks!" Duo hissed, rattling the box that was in his hands.

"Oh."

Duo could tell, from years of practice of deciphering Heero's tone, that his point hadn't yet made an kind of impression. If Heero didn't get the point soon, something else would be making an impression--in Heero's skull if he was lucky, and Duo's if he wasn't.

"Heero, if a two pound, ceramic Christmas ornament falls a distance of forty feet, starting from rest and accelerating with normal gravitational pull, _what's the force upon impact_?"

"Um, about... Oh."

"Oh? YES,_ 'OH' _!" Duo snapped. From high above, came another, much louder rustle. Duo's mind helpfully supplied the whistling sound of an incoming kamikaze Christmas ornament. He would never admit it, but sometimes there were downsides to having an overly active imagination. But for now...

"Heero, run!"

--GW--GW--GW--

Two hours later, after vacuuming up the glass shards, and running to the closest town to replace the unsalveagable ornaments, they tried again. Heero was placed under strict instructions to _hang_ the decorations in the tree this time, and not just balance them there. Just why Heero thought that a heavy, spherical Christmas bauble would balance on a flimsy tree branch was beyond him.

Duo, implicitly trusting his boyfriend to not make the same mistake again, allowed Heero to decorate the top portion of the Christmas tree. Well, later he would claim it was because of his _unwavering _trust, but really it was just that Heero, at that high angle, provided Duo with a really. nice. view.

And no one could find fault in his reasoning—it was a well known fact that Heero Yuy, often thought of as the Perfect soldier, wouldn't be so foolish as to make the same mistake twice.

No, Heero would find brand new ways to make mistakes—ones that would make Duo proud.

And as Duo looked up at the finished product, leaning precariously towards them, he would later remember thinking that this was exactly why he didn't like being the one in charge of the missions.

Of course, this realization came much, much later. He was too busy running for his life, as this time the whole Christmas tree came crashing down.

--GW--GW--GW--

Attempt number three was started three hours later, after the carpet was vacuumed (again), a second trip was made into town, a medicinal case of beer was purchased and ingested by Duo, and Heero was given strict instructions not to hang all the decorations on the same freakin' side of the tree.

Just to be perfectly sure that nothing would go wrong this time, Duo-- as much as he admired the view of Heero's ass-- would not allow Heero to be on top again. In fact, he was beginning to feel that Heero wouldn't be allowed on top in _any _of their extracurricular activities for quite sometime. At least until he sobered up—and after the stress of the day, and given the festive nature of the week, he didn't plan on that happening until the New Year. The _late_ New Year.

The fairy lights were strung first, then came layer upon layer of tinsel, garland, popcorn strings, candy canes and Christmas baubles. The effect was stunning (just as it had been the previous two times) and Duo couldn't wait to see what it would look like with the lights plugged in. Just as they were finishing up, Wufei came into join them, and they all stood back to admire their work.

"Looks good!" he commented, sounding amused. "Took you long enough. Eight hours to decorate one puny tree is pretty pathetic though."

Duo felt a vein pop out at his temple, and suppressed the urge that would result in Wufei becoming the new tree topper angel, complete with a freshly decorated fir tree shoved up his ass.

Wufei went around to the back of the tree and dropped to his hands and knees. The tree shook for a moment as he groped around it, but Duo was sure he'd attached it so securely to the roof that Quatre would have to use a chainsaw to take it down. Finally Wufei came crawling out, looking confused. "Where's the plug for the lights?"

There was a brief pause, as all three men stared dumbly at the base of the tree. Heero saw it first, tugged silently at Duo's sleeve, and point. Duo and Wufei followed Heero's finger, and slowly looked up.

There, consorting with the angel at the top of the tree, was the plug.

* * *

A/N: Glad you guys are enjoying this. Next chapter, I think Duo's going to be more then slightly drunk after a day like he's had... Thank you to everyone who's reviewed, means the world to me and it keeps me churning out the chapters!


	4. Of Alcohol and Threesomes

**Warnings:** the sentence fragments...beware the sentence fragments...alcohol...and the OOCness. And the fact that this chapter was a bitch to write, but was necessary. Oh, and swearing. ^_^

**Dedicated to:** my beta reader, who basically co-wrote this chapter with me and upon reading the previous chapter went "Holy shit, Heero and Duo are a couple? That makes them so much hotter!" Will, I'll gift wrap Heero for you with a big bow and stick him under your tree. 'Course that could be another Christmas story all together.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

**Of Alcohol and Threesomes **

**(but not really)**

If Duo was a man who liked to go around tempting fate, he'd be inclined to say that the remainder of the day had worked out just fine. He was chilling out on a couch that was so plush it swallowed him up, and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to climb out. Heero was leaning back into his chest. There was a toasty fire blazing, with children playing at the hearth. Actually, the children had been in bed hours ago, which was what made the atmosphere even better, but he just wanted to say 'hearth' because it was a cozy word and that's how he was feeling. The Christmas tree was twinkling amidst the garland—so beautiful that it nearly distracted from the bright orange extension cord snaking all the way up to the top.

Duo wasn't a man who tempted fate. There had times in his life where he'd felt like fate had just blown a giant raspberry at him. However Duo wasn't in his right mind at the moment, and the liquor he'd consumed was making _all kinds_ of naughty declarations on his behalf.

In fact, the only person in the room who seemed to be more inebriated than Duo, was Wufei. Poor Wufei, Duo had discovered, had been put in charge of the under-five kids for the day, and although he seemed to have come out with all (visible) limbs intact, he seemed to be making it his mission to become so astoundingly intoxicated that he wouldn't be able to baby-sit legally for the next two weeks.

Duo wasn't going to complain about this for two reasons, the first obvious one being that Wufei was going to complain enough in the morning to make up for it; the second being that he'd never seen Wufei touch any form of alcohol before, and he wasn't about to miss a second of the show. Wufei was providing them all with an... interesting rendition of 'Jingle Bells', in which no way resembled the actual Christmas carol except with the familiar—if not _very_ off-key-- tune.

Quatre was also tipsier than normal, though to anyone who'd listen he'd claim he had only had one drink. That may be true in the sense that he'd never been given the chance to fully empty a whole glass of wine, because Trowa was filling it faster than Quatre could drain it. The fact that Quatre hadn't caught on to this was a testament to his own harrowing day, which he'd spent tracking down and stalking various nieces and nephews that weren't in Wufei's care. It had taken several glasses of wine (ONE!!) for Quatre to recount the distressing tale, and the only coherent point Duo was able to discern from his rambling story was they would be in charge of meal preparations from now on. He'd have to get the reason for that in the morning when Quatre was sober enough not to slur his words--and finish a complete thought.

The volume in the room increased as five of Quatre's sisters joined them, and Wufei started singing louder over top of their conversation. Heero reached up to loop his arms around Duo's neck. Duo mistook the gesture as a loving one and tightened his arms around Heero's waist, only to find Heero flipping them off the couch on to the floor. It hadn't been as elegant as Heero had planned, perhaps due to his own beverage selection, and although it solved the problem of how Duo was going to climb out of the couch, they were now in an uncomfortable heap of elbows, legs and bumped heads on the ground.

"What the hell didja do that for!" Duo groused as soon as he managed to extract his head from under the coffee table, glaring at Heero.

Heero had enough sense to look slightly sheepish. "Ladies get to sit," he gestured, not realizing that Duo's braid had become entangled in his fingers.

Duo's resultant swearing from nearly being scalped was fortunately drowned out by their yodeling, drunk comrade. Wufei had now moved on to a blasphemous version of 'Away in the Manger', which unfortunately did somewhat resemble the original lyrics of the song. Jesus got laid.

"Awww!" sister number one cried, flopping down on the couch. "Quatre, you could learn a thing or two from these boys."

Quatre gave a polite snort, and choked on his wine. Trowa patted him on the back, amused.

Sister number two joined sister number one on the couch, while sister number three joined Heero and Duo on the floor.

"Cala, I'm sure he's learned something from at least one boy here," sister number three smirked, looking pointedly at Trowa.

Now it was Duo's turn to snort as Quatre turned an odd mixture of red and purple. "You'd be right there."

"Duo!"

"Quatre!" Duo mimicked, earning an elbow in the side from Heero.

"Be nice."

"There isn't a nicer person in this house!"

"Or a more modest one apparently."

"Awww!" sister number one, Cala, cried again.

"Figures," Mona snorted. She would have been dubbed sister number four, had Duo not already met her and known her name.

"Oh shush, Mona," sister number two scoffed.

"You were saying exactly the same thing earlier, Adelah!" Mona snorted.

Duo looked back and forth between the two, then to Quatre who looked equally confused. Satisfied that he hadn't been meant to understand that particular exchange, he settled back into Heero's arms.

Or he would have, had there not been an arm in the way. He turned to find sister number five blinking back owlishly at him.

"Sabira!" Quatre yelled, a bit louder than necessary as Wufei had just completed 'Away in the Manger' and was in deep thought. "Hands off the braid!"

"Indoor voice, Quatre," Cala admonished slyly. Or was it Adelah...Duo had lost track.

Mona snorted. "You guys remember that time--"

"Oh yeah, and Sabira convinced Quatre--"

"Adelah helped--"

"It was Cala's idea--"

"And you told him--"

"Oh, his face was priceless--"

"So was yours, Mona--"

"I wish we had a picture--"

"Before or after--"

"Well after the hives, of course--"

"Before was funnier--"

"Fa la la la la!" That of course, was Wufei's contribution, apparently having selected the next carol to ruin.

"Iria was furious--"

"Yeah, you told her--"

"Indoor voice--"

"No, not when--"

"But at first--

"And candy--"

"Wasn't our brother supposed to be smart and—"

"Highly over rated--"

"Seriously, birth--"

"No!" Quatre had finally caught on and lunged for Mona, who was the closest to him. "You won't tell that story."

"What story?" Heero asked curiously.

"Mona..." Quatre growled. He was too busy glaring Mona down to see Trowa mouth to Heero 'I'll tell you later.'

Mona had also caught what Trowa said, and leaned back, smugly satisfied. Trowa topped up Quatre's glass again, and then his own.

Cala sighed dramatically for about the fifth time since she'd entered the room. "Awww....it's not fair."

"I know," Sabira agreed. She'd thankfully released Duo's braid but was still sitting uncomfortably close to him and Heero.

"What's not fair?" Duo looked around at the group, still completely and utterly confused.

Quatre coughed, having finally caught on. "You're married, Sabira."

"I'm not," Adelah snorted, staring pointedly at Duo. "All the good ones are gay, taken--"

"Or both," Mona finished.

Duo spluttered, even Heero was at a loss. Trowa looked bemused. Quatre came to the rescue. "Actually," he corrected, with a mischievous grin, "We have this friend, who is not gay--"

"As far as we know," Heero added dryly, catching on remarkably quickly. Duo looked up at him questionably, but Heero only winked.

"As far as we know," Quatre agreed, "and he's definitely not taken."

Duo looked to Wufei, who was laying in front of the fireplace, ignoring them for the entire conversation. "Quatre, you are evil."

"Yes, he is," Trowa agreed affectionately.

Mona gave a small snort.

They weren't given a chance to pursue that topic any further as the smoke detector went off. The wired-in smoke detector, that meant it sounded in every single room in the house, to make sure no one was in danger of sleeping through a fire.

That was when they smelt something burning. And Duo knew that once again, Fate had given him the equivilent of a wet willy, because he'd been foolish enough to expect a nice, normal, _peaceful_ evening.

Thankfully it didn't take long to figure out where the burning smell was coming from. Wufei had passed out warming his feet in front of the fire. And the rubber soles of his slippers were smoldering.

The damage had already been done, however, even if there hadn't been an actual fire.

Because the children were awake....

* * *

"I don't know if I can take much more of this," Heero groaned, rolling over in the bed and nearly squashing Duo in the process. Through the fire alarm had been shut off several hours ago, did not mean the children could be silenced as easily, something that Heero had discovered from the moment he met 'It' and continued to be demonstrated at regular intervals.

Duo wiggled his way out from underneath, accidentally aiming an elbow at Heero's ribs. "**I **happened to be sleeping," he grumbled, wrapping himself more comfortably around Heero's body.

"Passed out, more like." Heero corrected wryly.

"Semantics," Duo slurred, waving a hand in the air.

Heero huffed. "I've heard quieter combat zones," he retorted.

"Good, go sleep in one," Duo mumbled sleepily, pulling the blanket up to his chin.

Heero pondered that for a moment. "That's actually not a bad idea."

"Huh?" At least that was what Duo would have said, but he'd already fallen asleep in the brief interlude. A snore filled in the silence.

"Are you coming?" Heero had the light on, and was throwing on a pair of sweats.

"No!" Duo groaned loudly, burying his head under the pillow away from the offending light.

"Fine." Heero snatched the comforter off the bed and wrapped it around his shoulders. "I'll be in the bay."

Duo moaned, but dragged himself into an upright position, swaying unsteadily on the bed. "Fine. But I'm not putting on pants."

The left the house and made their way down the trail, Duo grousing the entire way. He still hadn't woken up entirely, nor sobered up in the least and kept tripping over the duvet. That particular item had been swiped from Heero once he realized he'd been roaming the hallways of a house where the ratio of men to women was extremely low, and that said women didn't care an iota about their martial status when it came to being face to face with a naked ex-gundam pilot.

Or face to ...other body parts, either.

Only the emergency lights were on in the bay, illuminating the five Gundams. It was heated, it was clean, and best of all, it was quiet. The small office lay at the back of the room, and in it, lay the purpose of the mission--in the form of a futon.

Duo entered the dark room first tripping over something soft before he'd even made it over the threshold. Heero tripped over Duo, and would have managed to save himself had he not then stepped on whatever it was Duo had tripped over. Duo yelped as something whacked him in the stomach, the object groaned as Heero stepped on it, and then came three simultaneous yells as Heero walked into the edge of the futon and landed on two large lumpy objects.

There was a mad scramble, swears uttered in no less then twelve different languages (seven offered by Duo) several more painful thuds, and then, finally, a light was turned on. There was a long pause as Heero was momentarily blinded by the bright light. When his vision finally cleared, he found himself nose to nose with Quatre.

"Hi guys!" Quatre smiled guiltily at Heero. "Imagine seeing you here!"

"Heero, get off!" Trowa groaned, trying to push Heero's knee off his groin.

"Oh, I thought Duo was here?" Quatre pushed himself closer to Trowa to make room for Heero on the tiny futon.

Wufei, who was camped out on the floor at the foot of the futon in front of the doorway, pushed himself up on his elbow. "He_ is _here."

"You okay, Duo?" Quatre peered over the edge of the futon.

"He's fine._ He's_ sleeping already. Somehow..." Wufei glared up at the rest of them, his glare softened by the fact that he was seeing nine people on the futon and couldn't figure out which one to focus at. "Fine. I am not sleeping with Maxwell, he snores." He wrestled his blanket out of Duo's tight grip.

"That's H'ro snoring," Duo mumbled, wrenching the blanket back from Wufei and turning on his side.

"I do not sn--" Heero began as Trowa jabbed him with an elbow.

Wufei looked down disgustedly at Duo, who'd wrapped Wufei's blanket firmly around himself. Thankfully there was only one of him...and one was more than enough. With one smooth sweep he grabbed the duvet off the futon.

"Body heat is the best source of warmth," he said, stalking out of the room after tripping over Duo one last time.

"Don't think I'll be getting much of that," came Trowa's droll reply, as he eyed up the current sleeping arrangements which left Heero between him and Quatre.

"Wufei, where are you going?" Quatre tried to sound upset, but even he was starting to fall back to sleep.

"To sleep!"

"Where?"

"Bathtub," he growled.

* * *

A/N: Wow, this chapter ended up being a lot longer then I expected...don't get used to that! After agonizing over it I'm finally just posting it, cause i'm running out of time. Due to my self-imposed dead line of having this finished by x-mas (or New Years, at the very latest) some of the chapters are going to be very short, but more frequent. Thanks for reading anyways!

**Reviewers:**

**Solitaire**: You and I were obviously thinking along the same lines with the extension cords. ^_^ Thanks for your reviews!

**StandingOnTheRooftops**: LMAO, I wish I'd thought of that! I may even use it in the future, with your permission?

**XOXO, Solemn Flight-Tormented Fae, and Snoopy**: Thanks so much for all your reviews!

**Who Else But the Best BFF Ever**: yes you are the BFF ever. Thanks for all your help hun....on of these days I'll get then and than right. and 'that hissed thing'.

**snowdragonct:** Thanks for your review. Coincidently, I just realized I'm currently working my way through one of your epics, 'Boot Camp'. It's beyond amazing and I will be reviewing shortly.


	5. Duo's Very Bad Morning

**Warnings:** swearing, many references to male genitalia, generous use of sexual innuendos, and the possibility of destroying the appealing of certain foods, stereo type abuse, OCCness...is that not enough?

Thank you to StandingOnTheRooftops who's been feeding me personal experiences and allowing me to use them in this fic. Hope you enjoy this next chapter.

* * *

**Chapter 5- Duo's Bad Morning**

"Hhhhhhrrrrraaaggg!"

Duo had not had a good morning.

"Hhhrrrrraaggguuuuhhhh!"

In fact, if he were to be crass—and he could be exceptionally talented in that area should the fancy strike him-- he'd be inclined to say it it was a downright piss-poor, goddammed, sorry-**fucking**-excuse for a shitty morning.

And considering he was only thinking to himself, he would say just that, if only because he hadn't been allowed to cuss, swear or use any profane word rating stronger than 'geez' for nearly eighteen consecutive hours.

"Hhhrrrgghhh!!!"

It was a rare thing for a former Gundam pilot to complain of a bad day. When you've woken up in a cramped, coffin-like cockpit that is so cold that your balls have migrated to cuddle up with your tonsils, surrounded by enemy suits and with more blood outside your body than in it, to goes without saying that any following morning could constitute as a good one.

"Hhhhrrrraaaagggguuuhh!"

Duo Maxwell _had not _had a good morning.

Now, you may not care of the events constituting to Duo's bad morning, but to be frank, he didn't give a rat's ass.

It all started on a dark and stormy night. Well, it was actually morning, but since it was still dark, Duo didn't really bother to care much about semantics. Neither was it stormy, but that was also besides the point.

It wasn't due to the fact he'd woken up with a hangover. It wasn't due to the fact that he'd woken up because _Wufei_ had a hangover-- though the retching echoing around the large bay left a lot to be desired.

"Rrrrraaahhhhhgg!"

It wasn't because he woken up to someone spooning him—normally that would have led to quite a _successful_ morning if the spoon-er hadn't been Trowa. A quick glance over at the futon revealed why Trowa had relocated to the floor, and it had something to do with tiny Quatre sprawled across the entire futon. Further inspection revealed why Heero hadn't resigned himself to the floor also- it probably had a direct correlation to the fact that Quatre had him pinned against the wall with one leg firmly entwined with Heero's.

It wasn't due to the fact that every single working bathroom in the Winner Manor was occupied—with a waiting list that rivaled any five star restaurant-- though that particular fact did lead Duo to doubt how Quatre laid claim to the title of the group's most proficient strategist when he couldn't even plan his plumbing properly. Surely someone with his all his extensive training would know, that with twenty-nine sisters, a bare minimum of thirty-five bathrooms would be necessary. And that wasn't taking in to consideration the million odd children and spouses also inhabiting the mansion.

_Thirty-five _bathrooms. Not five.

No, the real reason for Duo's Very Bad Morning, was that he'd woken with morning wood. For a...healthy teenage boy like himself, morning wood was not a surprising occurrence, nor a rare one-- especially given that he usually went to bed and woke up beside the sexiest thing to ever walk on two legs. But when combined with everything else, it only provided one more problem to add to a long list of things worth bitching about.

Everything else was merely an aggravation meant to torture him, and prolong it. Trowa's warm body curled up against his had not helped matters. The fact he couldn't take a _very _cold shower was an annoyance. The fact that he couldn't even get enough privacy to -- er...sort matters out was more than downright irritating.

And by the time he made it into the kitchen to help the others make breakfast, he was starting to believe it was all an elaborate scheme by some higher power to make him suffer as long and as much as possible—especially when he was put in charge of cooking the sausages.

This is how he came to find himself in his current predicament. Hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, every pore oozing alcohol, surrounded by people, with a case of morning wood that was quickly progressing into a serious case of blue balls....cooking sausages. The irony of this did not escape Duo, however he could have done without the constant reminder of his predicament blatantly staring him in the face.

These weren't just any flimsy pork sausages either. These had come from the great Sausage God himself. Trust Quatre to stock the finest, plumpest, juiciest and largest sausages Duo had ever seen.

Had it not been for the constant presences of the other Gundam pilots making the breakfast with him, not to mention the steady stream of women through the kitchen doors bringing in empty dishes, Duo would have seriously considered ravishing the stove right then and there.

But instead he had to be content with glaring at the sausages in the frying pan, listening to Wufei groan about everything and anything, from the how the bathtub tap dripping on his head all night had given him a headache (giving a whole new meaning to Chinese Water Torture) to the heater in the kitchen making his skin itch. Apparently no one had ever told Wufei that drinking away your problems didn't really help unless you were going to make it a full time commitment.

"Duo, would you quit banging the sausages around," Wufei moaned, slumping forward over the table.

Duo suppressed a groan at Wufei's unfortunate choice of words, but stopped mashing the sausage with the spatula. He glared at the pan as the sausages swelled from the heat, popping as the pressure grew too much, and oozing fat into the pan. He moaned again.

Heero sidled up behind him, wrapping an arm around his waist. "You okay?"

Duo jumped, fat splashed onto his hand. "Peachy!" he snapped, fanning his hand in the air. The pain in his hand momentarily distracted him from the heat in his groin, and for a second he seriously considered sticking his entire hand into the frying pan. "I'm cooking _sausages_, and I have to listen to Wufei moaning like a--"

Heero swiftly clapped a hand over Duo's mouth. "I know both of you well enough to know you shouldn't finish that comment," he whispered.

Trowa shot them a bemused look. "Heero, you're too hard on him--" Duo snorted, his frown darkened and he muttered something unintelligible--"Wufei's being a knew better than to _go all the way_ to the bottom of the bottle."

Duo gave Trowa a wary look. Trowa raised his eyebrows innocently and, confirming Duo's suspicions that he'd caught onto Duo's little morning problem, said "Duo, if you aren't careful, those sausages are going to be as hard as wood. Wouldn't that...suck..."

Another moan threatened to slip out with the mention of several choice words—Heero's arms still firmly around his waist wasn't helping matters. God, if that hand just went a little bit lower..."Interesting choice of words, Tro," Duo choked out, quickly turning his attention back to the sausages.

"Oh, I believe in getting straight to the point. No use leaving things up in the air." Duo gave him credit, he said it with a straight face too.

Duo fumed into the sausages for several minutes, about the sheer unfairness that they were getting more action than he was. The kitchen fell into silence again, aside from the occasional groan courtesy of Wufei. Heero was still obviously trying to figure out what had passed between his two friends as he glared into the pancake batter he was mixing.

Satisfied that the sausages, at least, were finished, Duo removed the pan from the head, filled the plate, and disappeared into the dining room. He returned just in time to hear the tail end of an argument between Heero and Wufei. Deciding he'd been through enough torture for the day, and determined not to sit through a heated debate on the ethical ramifications of the sacrilegious Christmas carols from the night before, he turned to Quatre, saying louder than necessary, "Quatre, don't the Maganacs usually do this kind of thing?"

"Oh yes, well, they needed a Christmas holiday too," Quatre stuttered, and suddenly became very busy as he bustled around the kitchen in a particularly dizzying frenzy.

Heero, curious, looked at him suspiciously. "You mean to say they actually celebrate Christmas?"

Trowa patiently pulled the frying pan back out the cupboard from where Quatre had stored it, fried eggs and all, and placed it back on the stove to finish cooking. "What he means to say, is they volunteered to help out last year."

"And?"

"And in September he gained five more nieces and two nephews," Trowa replied dryly.

Heero and Duo both snorted. Wufei took a little longer to clue in, he was too busy nursing his pounding head in his hands, his debate with Heero obviously sapping the little energy he had that morning. Either way, he didn't care. As far as he was concerned, seven more children didn't matter when you already had enough relatives to invade China.

"Okay, Sophia, Daniel and....Ana are all oatmeal with soy milk, right?" Duo looked down at the bowls of cereal in front of him that Heero'd just prepared. He was determined to steer from the conversation away from sexual references, sexual innuendos, or any mentions of other people getting sex.

"No, Sophia isn't lactose intolerant, she's diabetic," Heero replied, not looking sure as he sounded. "I gave her regular milk yesterday."

"Oh," replied Trowa, "that would be she spent yesterday in the bathroom with dia--"

"DON'T remind me," Wufei groaned, clutching his stomach with one hand and the other secured over his mouth.

"So Sophia gets soy milk," Duo tried again.

"Duo, are you sure those are the soy ones?" Trowa peered into the bowls of cereal, and leaned in to sniff one.

"Why?"

"What are these ones here?" Quatre contributed helpfully, gesturing to three bowls sitting beside the fridge.

"Aren't they the sugar free?"

"No, I have those ones."

"These are definitely soy," Trowa announced. He had the soy milk jug in his hands and had compared the scents.

"Excellent!" Duo grabbed the bowls, and swooped out the kitchen before anyone could change their minds again.

"So, why exactly are we on kitchen duty all week, Quatre?" Heero asked absently, carefully measuring and spooning formula into six baby bottles in front of him.

"I'd like to know that myself," Duo snorted, returning to the kitchen. From behind the dining room door came a loud crash, followed by an 'Oops!'.

Quatre bristled, and counted to himself silently.

"Quat?"

"I thought I told you last night," Quatre replied, a little peevishly.

"Uh, yeah, I certainly think you tried," Duo laughed. "But between the 'thilverwars'_,_ which I still haven't deciphered, the exploding underwear, and something about microwaves racing around the kitchen, your explanation got kind of...lost."

"You had quite a lot of wine, love," Trowa added, with a knowing twinkle in his eye.

"I had _one_ glass," Quatre insisted.

"Yeah, and I'm Santa Claus," Duo snorted, rolling his eyes.

"Oh! Thanks for mentioning that!" Quatre exclaimed, perking up. "I need you, Trowa and Heero to do me a favor, Duo."

Duo was instantly on his guard. With the morning he was having, those were very dangerous words."Is this the kind of favor that we have a choice in committing to?"

"No." Trowa answered at once for Quatre.

"Why can't Wufei go?"

"You don't even know what the favor is," Trowa replied at the same time as Quatre said, "I have another job for Wufei."

Duo pondered this briefly. Heero sidled up to him and whispered, "How bad can it be?"

Duo was torn between wanting to slap himself on the forehead and slapping Heero, because however innocent the favor had been, Heero had now jinxed it.

Trowa rolled his eyes. "We are going to take the kids to see Santa. And we actually have to go...now."

Duo choked. "Santa? _Now_? Why the hell are you on his side, Trowa? Why didn't you put up a fight?"

"Because it means Quatre owes me a favor. Naturally..." he smirked.

Duo closed his eyes and groaned. "I'm sorry I asked."

"I think I'm going to be sick," Wufei moaned.

"Me too, " Duo sighed.

"No, I think I am going to be sick." He lurched over to the cupboard and promptly threw up.

"Well at least he made it to the garbage can, "Duo said sheepishly_._

Quatre closed his eyes, not even having the energy to sigh. "That wasn't the garbage can."

Wufei stopped retching, and clapped a hand securely over his mouth, running off to- presumably- find a bathroom. That seemed to be the cue that was needed for everyone else to leave the safety of the kitchen and rejoin the fray. Quatre threw the remaining dirty pots and pans in the sink and disappeared with mentions of going to town also to do some last minute grocery shopping.

Heero and Trowa headed towards the living room, where apparently the kids had been congregating after breakfast to put on toques, mittens and jackets in preparation of seeing Santa. Duo tried to slip off to see if he could finally find a free bathroom, because he would be damned if he was going to see Santa with a group of kids with a boner in his jeans. Before he could even put one foot on the staircase however, Heero turned and spotted him.

"We have to go now, Duo."

"Yeah, I just--" He looked forlornly up the stairs.

"Duo, are you coming?" Trowa smirked, and gave him a knowing wink.

"God, I wish..." Duo moaned.

* * *

**A/N**: Mmm, I don't like the pacing of this chapter, and when I don't feel so constricted for time I'm going to come back and fix it. However, I suppose Christmas is in less then four days now... Do you guys mind if thing goes on longer then Christmas?

Just to clear up a few things, several reviewers have asked who the nine people on the futon were in the last chapter—that'd be Wufei seeing triple of Heero, Quatre and Trowa. I'll get on to fixing that and see if I can clarify it a bit better. Also, someone pointed out to me that Quatre is Muslim, so this fic must be very AU—I don't know if it's ever been officially stated that Quatre is Muslim (feel free to correct me on that, I'd truly like to know), however I know the chances of _all _these people being Christian and celebrating Christmas is slim, seeing as Wufei is Chinese, Heero is Japanese etc. etc. This is just a fun fic that is not meant to be taken seriously whatsoever, with them celebrating Christmas together (whether they like it or not.) ^_^

Next chapter? Obviously it's going to be about seeing Santa!


	6. Eighteen Kids and Counting

**Warnings: **if you've made it this far, I don't really need to warn you. Too bad someone didn't warn them...

**Pedophobic**--means to be afraid of kids.

**I****diot mittens**: those mittens with the strings that go through the sleeves so you don't loose them. Yes, that is actually what Encarta calls them. Fitting, don't you think?

* * *

**Chapter 6**

**Eighteen Kids and Counting  
**

Just like that, Operation 'See Santa' was put into action.

If Duo had thought his day couldn't get any worse, he was sadly mistaken. The mission parameters for their latest mission seemed simple enough-- working as a team, he, Heero and Trowa were to transport three van loads of children to the local mall to rendezvous with the poor sod coerced into playing Santa.

Casualties were not acceptable in regards to the children. Santa was on his own.

Duo's 'big' problem (because we cannot stoop to calling Duo's manhood 'little') had been solved as he tried to buckle child number one into his car seat. Child number one did not particularly like being crammed into a car seat, and let his disgust become evident by giving Duo a swift kick to the groin. That gained the toddler a brief upper hand in the duel as Duo was too busy gaping like a guppy as his manhood began throbbing with a whole new type of pain. However, you must remember that he'd been picked to be a Gundam pilot for a reason, and although dealing with blunt castration had not been part of the job description, he managed to plow on through it. The wrestling match continued for several minutes as Duo tried to force buckles around the child, and the child tried his best to rearrange Duo's face and rip out his hair, with neither making any headway over the other.

Trowa was the one who pointed out the problem, that Duo was essentially trying to strap the three year old toddler in to a car seat meant for a child half his size. Honestly, why didn't they write these things on a big label, not in some fine print on the back of the damn seat that required superhuman vision, a flashlight, and the ability to be double jointed, was beyond him.

It was a bittersweet victory when he finally manage to chain the blasted toddler in the car seat—which had more straps, buckles and safety tethers then your average mobile suit-- because as he turned around, only then did he realize that he had to do it five more times. And that was only to get to the mall.

Fifteen minutes later, when all six kids were in their car seats, he climbed into the driver's seat nursing several bruises and cuts.

From far in the back row a pitiful little voice said, "I gotta pee-pee!"

* * *

The former pilots were all used to fighting loosing battles, with the odds of winning horribly stacked against them. Being outnumbered was a regular occurrence, where some of their mobile suit battles had them at fifty-to-one odds.

But of course, that was during a war, and odds meant very little when

It was an entirely different thing when you were in a shopping mall—unfamiliar territory-- with kids outnumbering the chaperones six -to-one

They hadn't even made it in the front door before they lost two children, one of Duo's charges and one of Trowa's. It was a tense three minutes of searching before they found the two escapees, peeing on a car tire.

Trowa was too relieved to get too mad, Duo was giggling too hard—not that he thought it was funny but because it was better then giving the kid a black eye. After all, the boy had given him a fair warning back in the car before they'd left that he 'had to go'. At least he didn't "pee-pee" in his pants.

The second escape happened just inside the mall doors when little Stephan wasn't fast enough stepping out of the revolving doors and was stuck going round and round in circles as fast as his little legs could carry him until Heero freed him. It wasn't actually an escape, but he was missing long enough to give Duo a few more gray hairs.

By the time the third escape happened, Duo was starting to believe that for some reason, somewhere, _Someone_ really hated him. He tried to steady himself by swearing fluently under his breath to the tune of Jingle Bells, but only managed to calm himself down enough so that he pulled the children _out_ of the water fountain rather then hold them under.

That, and there were way too many witnesses present.

The real flaw in their mission, however, wasn't pointed out until they made it to Satan's air. Excuse me, Santa's lair.

And the children in their brood disappeared among all the other children.

The hundreds and hundreds of children that _all looked the same._

"Oh, God..." Trowa trailed off.

"Oh fuck," Duo amended, horror stricken, looking over the sea of heads.

"Split up," Heero ordered, quickly taking charge. "Trowa and I'll take the perimeter and make sure none escape, Duo, you mingle in the crowd. We can't blow this even before we start."

"Too late for that," Duo muttered, but there was no one there to hear it.

Duo pushed through the crowd as fast as he was able, while still holding on to the hand of the one child who he'd managed to retain. He spotted another one of his charges almost immediately, a two year old girl who had found a shiny coin on the ground and was chasing it around the slippery floor in attempts to pick it up with her mittened hands. A third child was spotted sitting up on a large toy reindeer. How he'd managed to get up there—and how he'd managed to loose both his boots in the short time he'd been missing was beyond Duo-- but those were small matters with the current dilemma he was facing, which was how to hang on to all three children when he only had two hands.

Childs' numbered four and five were found by complete accident as he clotheslined them with the leash he'd fashioned out of the children's scarves to hold on the the first three of his findings. Four and Five were promptly added to the line up. Five down, thirteen to go-- not a good track record but it was better than returning to the Winner Manor with no children at all.

Child number six was found, promptly lost, and then found again as some how he managed to slip out of his scarf. Child seven was eating a lolly pop (something Duo was certain he hadn't had upon entering the mall) and was engrossed with watching something that only he could see up in the air. Child number eight was the last one Duo was able to snag, now that his speed and stealth were severely hampered with towing seven other children behind him. Child eight was splashing in the puddles created by the melted snow from people's boots—Duo didn't think she could get any wetter by jumping in the bath tub.

Satisfied that he'd found as many children as he was going to in the crowd, Duo and his bizarre train of kids snaked their way through the crowd of people, occasionally tripping up unsuspecting parents. Duo's kids did not seem to grasp the concept that they were tied together, and that meant they had to go the same way around any obstacles.

He met up with Trowa on the edge of the crowd—Trowa had his own ragtag group of children held hostage by using the strings on the idiot mittens as a leash. Between the two of them it looked like they'd managed to round up all the kids. Miracles did happen.

"Is that all?" Duo panted.

Trowa did a quick head count, something made especially difficult as the kids didn't want to stay still long enough to be counted only once.

"How many did we come with?" Trowa asked.

"Eighteen."

"I thought so," Trowa groaned, beginning his count again.

"Are we missing one?" Duo asked worriedly, starting a count of his own.

"No...I think we've gained two."

It wasn't long until the first bonus child was reclaimed by a slightly irate parent. Using their highly trained powers of observation, the second bonus child was weeded out of the herd purely on the premises that neither Trowa nor Duo could remember Quatre having an Asian niece.

It was only then that they realized that they had regained all the children, but lost Heero in the process.

"I can go lo--"

"I'm not going to fall for that, so don't even try," Trowa cut Duo off, "You _are not _leaving me here to look after eighteen kids."

Duo opened his mouth to argue when Heero reappeared, with another child in tow. Trowa and Duo looked down at the newest child, who gave them a toothless grin and promptly fell over, unable to stand up in her snowsuit. Trowa began counting heads again, with the foreboding feeling that if he survived to the end of the week, he would become obsessive compulsive, pedophobic or both.

Heero was to busy rummaging in shopping bag to notice the reactions that his return had elicited. He finally found what he was looking for in the bottom of the bag, and pulled out a large spool of string and a green aerosol can with a witch's face on the front.

"Spray on hair dye," he explained proudly, mistaking Duo's shocked expression for one of confusion.

"What are you planning to do with that?" Trowa asked, worried enough to interrupt his fourth head count.

Heero looked down at the can, then over to the group of children, giving them a look that meant it should be obvious what he'd intended to do.

"You're gonna mark 'em like a herd of cows or something?" Duo choked. "You can't do that to a bunch of kids, Quatre will kill you!"

"Just watch me," Heero replied grimly.

* * *

Quatre Winner returned home from doing some last minute grocery shopping feeling refreshed and rejuvenated at last. It should say something, that he found shopping during the Christmas rush more relaxing than being in his home. But something was definitely odd...

The first thing that caught his eye as he walked through the front door, was a child running through the hallway. Not the fact that a child was present, but the fact that he appeared to have a large number thirteen sprayed into his hair in a rather vivacious color of green.

He shook it off, and continued on towards the kitchen. He _must_ have been seeing things.

That was until he came upon the next Odd Thing. A litter of children's jackets decorated the hallway, all which appeared to be tied together with several long strands of string. Now Quatre was starting to get suspicious. Still, he chose to ignore it for the time being. No one had realized he was home yet, and that meant a few more blessed minutes of peace and quiet.

That was until he entered the kitchen.

It was Heero's glare made him drop his shopping bags.

"Hi guys," he squeaked nervously. "How was Santa?"

Wordlessly, Trowa handed him the photograph. The proof that they had completed their mission.

Quatre took it, and studied it curiously. Santa was in the center of the picture, big fluffy beard and red suit very prominent even amidst the fluorescent green hair color of all the children. Santa looked slightly dazed, and Quatre noticed that Chloe had a generous helping of his beard clenched tightly in her little fist. Josh and child number seven, who's name escaped him, were fighting over a toy truck. The truck was charting a colision course with Josh's head. Heero had one child tucked under his arm like a foot ball, obviously not realizing that the child's butt was facing the camera instead of his face. Sara was standing only in a diaper, with her hair dripping wet. It didn't seem to bother her as she was was too busy playing with her toes to look at the camera. Duo held David and Stephan by the collars of their winter jackets—judging by how tall they appeared, Duo was also holding both of them six inches off the ground all though that couldn't be proven as there were too many kids standing in front of them. Amelia was in the very front of the group, laying like a stuck turtle on her back and unable to flip over due to her bulky snow suit.

"If you're wondering why they're green, blame Heero," Duo began moodily. "If you're wondering why they're tied together, you're a bigger idiot then I thought, and also, blame Heero. If you're wondering why Santa looks slightly intoxicated, it's because Sam kicked him--and _me-- _in the balls and then Josh nailed him over the head with the toy truck. He was also made to listen to David's entire wish list consisting of one hundred and fifty two items—"

"Fifty-three," Heero corrected automatically.

"One hundred and fifty-three items," Duo amended, "and then sit through Chloe singing him every Christmas carol she knows, _and then_ sit through no less than seventeen photos as we tried to get everyone in the shot. In case you're wondering, that was the best shot they got, and you owe us thirty-nine ninety-nine plus taxes, and I'm thinking a very, _very_ large tip. And finally," Duo paused long enough to take a deep breath, "if you're wondering about making us go with another group tomorrow, you can think again because Heero, Trowa and myself are all banned from that mall for s_upposedly _abusing Santa."

Trowa looked seriously at Quatre, a wink betraying him. "And you, love, owe me a _very _big favor later on."

Quatre gulped.

* * *

**A/N:** Well, better late then never, I suppose, in posting this. I believe there are only going to be two more chapters until the end, so hopefully by New Year's Eve this will be finished. Next chapter--Heero wraps some Christmas presents.

The good thing about writing this after Christmas, is my own family Christmas has given me some beautiful scenarios to incorperate. ^_^ Hope you enjoyed this chapter, and thanks to everyone who reviewed.


	7. Unconventional Methods

**Warnings**: none really...thoughts of BDSM if you squint, abuse of Heero's glare, abuse of Heero's abilities...generally, abuse of poor sexy Heero. This part has not been beta-read. My beta reader decided she needed to have Christmas holidays--- like the gundam boys will attest to, it's highly overrated. ^_^

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**Chapter 7 **

**Unconventional Methods  
**

Heero Yuy had highly honed powers of observation developed over years of intense training and thus had learned a lot of things throughout his week spent at the Winner household-- things like how parents spent the first year of a child life oohing and aahing over their child's first word, first step-- and the remaining seventeen years telling them to sit down and shut up. Things like physical torture was laughable compared to being stuck in a room with a two year old who knew the words 'why' and 'no'. Things like pairing the older children (who were already scarily proficient at getting things to go boom) with their resident explosive expert was a Bad Idea.

Notice the capitalization.

Today was proving to be no different. Heero was about to learn many things. Things he probably didn't need to know, but was going to anyway. In fact, the only difference about today's planned activity was that Heero had willingly volunteered for it. When Quatre was outlining it over breakfast that morning, it had sounded like the perfect task for him to do. There were no pets involved, no women involved---and best of all, no children allowed within a hundred foot radius of the room he was assigned to. That wasn't even his rule, it had been implemented by Quatre days before.

Perhaps it was because Heero was under the mistaken impression that all the disasters that had occurred previously had only happened when he was around Duo. Perhaps that was _that _mistaken notion that led Heero to conclude that all the disasters were therefore Duo's fault.

Admittedly, it did make him slightly nervous when no one else had volunteered.

But really, how hard could it be? From the mission parameters, it sounded right up his alley. Utilizing basic mathematical calculations, the ability to use spatial rationalization, resource allotment—no, Heero was quite sure that wrapping the Christmas presents would be a proverbial piece of cake. If fact, the only rule he had to follow, besides the obvious one of being finished before Christmas day, was that the presents had to look 'pretty'.

He could do pretty. He'd been well armed with ribbon, and bows and lots of tissue paper. Not his standard arsenal, but much more effective. Duo had even loaded up everything he could possible need into a utility belt. It was good to indulge Duo in the harmless jokes. Heero'd learned that the hard way.

Heero really didn't see why Quatre was so worried. After what they'd been through this past week, how hard could this really be?

The first setback occurred when he entered the room. Since he was only wrapping the presents from himself, Duo, Trowa, Quatre and Wufei, he hadn't expected the project to take too terribly long. In fact, he'd brought his laptop with him for that precise reason. Why bother having an outright ban on the room if he wasn't going to take full advantage of the peace and quiet?

But, as he surveyed the room, he could feel his computer time (and therefore any hope of reclaiming his sanity) slipping away before his eyes. He hadn't counted on Quatre buying individual presents for every single member in his family, right down to two month old Elia. What one got a two month old for Christmas was beyond him. Nevertheless, he would rise to the challenge. Pulling up his sleeves, he plunked himself down on the floor and reached for the first present.

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It didn't take long for Heero to realize there was a slight amount of skill required to wrapping Christmas presents, and that skill wasn't being able to disassemble, clean and reassemble a hand gun in under forty seconds. He'd decided to break himself in slowly and picked what he though would be an easy present—a child's toy in a square box. He measured the paper as carefully as he could, but the wrapping paper was insistent on curling back up around the tube. Still, he persevered and soon had the paper cut out.

It wasn't until he wrapped it around the box that he realized he'd cut the paper on an angle, and so no matter how he rotated the box, there was still one corner left sticking out.

He threw the paper to the side to use later on a different gift, and cut a second piece from the roll. This one ended up being too big, but he went with it. There was definitely no shortage of wrapping paper in the room. He folded the first two sides of paper around the box, and then realized he'd forgotten the tape. He spotted it on the over on the side table, and, after eying the situation carefully, used his foot to hold the paper down around the present while he balanced on one leg to stretch for the cello tape.

It all went down hill from there.

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Duo had finally been relieved from babysitting duty after Quatre and Wufei had returned from the mall after taking the second battalion of kids to see Santa, and 'relieved' was the perfect term to use. He had nothing against kids, nothing whatsoever. But after being stuck with twelve babies, the oldest only eighteen months old, he'd spent day changing diaper after diaper (each one more pungent then the last) extracting foreign objects from ears and noses and in general, being completely helpless as his braincells slowly died off one by one from lack of real human contact.

His day drastically improved however, as he approached the door leading to the room that Heero had been holed up in for the day. And the unmistakable sounds of moaning could be heard...

As he opened the door, he remembered thinking that it wasn't quite the scene he'd pictured in his mind-- _that_ image had Heero wearing a lot fewer clothes—but he'd be willing to settle. After all, it wasn't every day you walk in a room to find that your lover (however unintentional) had gift wrapped himself, complete with ribbon and a bow perched on the top of his head. He actually looked _pretty_—Duo remembered Quatre stressing that word several times as soon he realized Heero would be the one wrapping the presents-- which is more than he could say for the presents surrounding him.

'Course, he was biased.

"Um, Heero?"

Heero jumped, and tried to turn around. He only succeeded in wrapping another strand of ribbon around himself. He appeared to be in a mild state of panic. Duo looked down at what Heero was working on.

"Why do you have a present tied to your toe?"

Heero glared. "Because the ribbon kept moving when I tried to tie a knot and I needed to keep it still."

"And what was the matter with using a finger?"

"I needed all of them. "

"And why is it still tied to your toe?"

"I can't find the scissors."

Duo stifled a snort. He was surprised he could still see Heero amidst the scraps of wrapping paper, tissue paper, confetti, and god knows what else, never mind a puny pair of scissors. Not even bothering to start hunting for them, he pulled a swiss army knife out of his pocket and cut Heero's big toe free from it's bindings.

That was when Duo noticed the tape.

"Love, why do you have scotch tape in your hair?"

Heero blinked, and a hand drifted up to his forehead, where it promptly got stuck in the scotch tape. "Because I needed it," he grumbled, wincing as he ripped one stripe off his forehead and taking half his eyebrow with it.

"In your hair?"

Heero gave him a frosty look. The fact that the glare still retained it's full power, even with the shiny bow on his head, the ribbon snaked around him and the glitter on his cheeks, was a testament to the true power of the glare. "No, I couldn't hold the paper, the present and still rip the tape off the roll at the same time, so..."

"You stuck it on yourself," Duo finished, ripping another piece off the end of Heero's nose. "You... couldn't have just used the edge of the table?"

Heero positively glowered. Judging by the color if his face, he hadn't actually thought of that idea. Duo debated about taking off the large bow stuck to the top of Heero's hair, and then decided against it. The gold went

quite nicely with his red face. While Heero was preoccupied with picking the rest of the tape out of his hair, Duo stuffed some of the ribbon in his pockets. That would definitely come in handy later. He wasn't about to waste the inspiration that came from seeing Heero tied up like a Christmas present.

"So, is this one mine?" Duo grinned, flipping over a present that felt like it had four sides, and looked like it had twelve with Heero's unique wrapping method.

Heero shrugged, looking bored. He aimed his big ball of scotch tape towards the garbage can and tossed it in with ease. "I don't know who's it is. Quatre made a list that matches all the people with the presents."

Duo was suddenly on his guard, staring warily at the present, and then at Heero. "Love... please tell me you remembered _to label_ the freakin' presents."

There was a long pause. Duo could almost see the gears working in overdrive in Heero's brain.

Heero never did answer him. He simply picked the nearest present off the floor and then handed it to Duo. "I am _not _rewrapping these. Start guessing." As Heero shook his own mystery package, he realized that his earlier belief had just been confirmed.

It was all Duo's fault.

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A/N: Sorry about the delay. I've never been one for keeping a good schedule. There will be one more chapter, and it will be short-- probabl just a bit longer then the first chapter was. I never meant for this to go this long after Christmas, so the last chapter will just be an official ending. I'm not even going to begin to guess when it'll get posted. ^_^ Hope you enjoyed the latest installation!


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